Understanding the bargaining stage of grief

When you lose someone close to you, it’s normal to be willing to do absolutely anything to bring them back. In your darkest hours, you may wonder whether you could have done something differently or been a better person to prevent their death. This painful, sorrowful stage of grief is known as bargaining.

The bargaining stage of grief isn’t limited to death. You can experience these emotions after losing anything important to you, such as a job, a friendship, a relationship, your independence, a sense of control, or a physical ability.

Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist, explains: "In the bargaining stage of grief, people tend to negotiate or make deals as a strategy to manage their pain."

What is bargaining?

During the bargaining stage of grief, it’s normal to find yourself negotiating. You could try to negotiate with yourself, the people around you, with a higher power, or with fate to undo the event that’s causing you pain.

We use bargaining as a defense mechanism against feeling helpless after a major loss. It happens when we struggle to accept our new reality and our very limited control over the situation.

There are two primary types of bargaining, one which applies to the present and one which applies to the past.

Present

Bargaining in the present involves a person making a deal with themselves or with a higher power. The idea is that if they act in a particular way, they’ll feel better about their situation or the situation may improve.

Past

Bargaining over the past is when people dwell on all the things that could have happened which would have resulted in a different situation compared to the present. They may wish to go back and change the past in the hopes of preventing what they lost.

What does bargaining look like?

Grief stages such as anger or denial are easy to understand, but bargaining is a little more complicated. Here are some of the most common characteristics associated with the bargaining stage of grief:

  • Feeling insecure, scared, or anxious
  • Holding yourself responsible for what happened
  • Overthinking and worrying about things
  • Making comparisons between your circumstances and others’
  • Praying or wishing for an alternative outcome
  • Feeling ashamed or guilty of your thoughts or actions
  • Dwelling on what could have been
  • Punishing yourself for what happened
  • Judging others and yourself
  • Thinking about the future and assuming the worst
  • Wondering "What if...", "If I do this, then...", or, "If only I had..."

According to Dr. Romanoff, here are some of the thoughts you may have when you’re going through the bargaining stage:

  • Wishing for a miracle to happen to balance out your loss
  • Negotiating with the universe, fate, a higher power, or God to change reality
  • Offering to be a better person, make charitable donations, or help others as a way of managing the pain of your loss
  • Wondering if the event wouldn’t have happened if you’d done things differently

How to cope

It’s essential to remember that bargaining is an important part of the grieving process and while it may feel terrible, it’s only temporary. One day you’ll overcome this stage and can progress through your journey of grief. Here are some things that may help you manage this difficult stage:

Accept that bargaining is normal

Bargaining is how we try to hang on to hope, which is something many people need while grieving. Over time, bargaining reduces and the reality of acceptance begins to sink in.

Be patient with yourself

The more time that passes, the more manageable your pain will become. You’ll also be more open to accepting that some things are simply beyond your control. However, some people experience intense grief for years following a devastating event.

There’s no set time to grieve. It’s important to give yourself time and seek help if you don’t experience any relief 1-2 months after the event.

Avoid fixating on your thoughts

One of the best ways to move through the grieving stages is to gain perspective and some emotional distance from your thoughts. To help stop yourself from perseverating over them, you may want to try sharing them with someone who can help you see them from a different perspective.

Write everything down

Another helpful way to distance yourself from your feelings is to write them all down. This will help you reflect on them and become more aware of how you truly feel. It will also help you understand where your thoughts and feelings are coming from.

Shift your focus

When you’re able to stop focusing on everything you can’t control and begin focusing on the things you can control, you’ll start to heal. Shifting your focus helps you make the changes that you need in your life to be more productive and move on.

Reach out

If you’re feeling overpowered by your grief or that you’re spiraling in guilt and blame, it may be time to seek professional help. While grief is something everyone goes through after a major loss, it shouldn’t significantly disrupt your life months after the event took place. If you’re struggling to function, get in touch with a mental health professional, such as a grief counselor, or join a support group for grief.