12 Grief counselors reveal what not to say to someone grieving
It’s difficult to see someone you care about in pain. It’s one of the most natural things in the world to want to comfort them and make them feel better. That’s why you feel such a strong urge to console your grieving loved one with some kind and loving words. While your goal may be to make them feel better, it’s important you’re careful about what you say. You may think you’re being helpful and respectful, but your words could be interpreted as being hurtful or offensive.
Phrases such as, “I know just how you feel” or “Everything happens for a reason” are perfect examples of things you should never say to someone experiencing the loss of a loved one.
Everyone experiences grief differently, making it almost impossible to understand how the grieving person is feeling. This could be viewed as being dismissive of their feelings, which will be agonizingly painful. Equally, suggesting the death of their loved one was part of a plan is not comforting at all. Instead, it can be perceived as being harsh and uncaring.
What not to say
It can be incredibly difficult to say the right thing to someone who is going through one of the worst times of their life. Even if you mean well, the words you have in your head can come across completely differently when they leave your mouth. To help you be the comforting person you want to be, here’s what 12 grief counselors recommend you avoid saying to people who have recently suffered a loss.
- Empty cliches
“When someone is grieving, they usually hear empty clichés such as: “Don’t worry, they’re in a better place now” or “When it’s your time, it’s your time.” I’ve never had a client tell me these types of statements made them feel better, understood, or validated. Never.” - James Killian, grief counselor
- “Let me know if you need anything”
“Often, friends will offer help by saying, ‘Just let me know if you need anything.’ In reality, though, many grieving folks won’t respond to this offer at all because they are hesitant to ask for help or because they may be too tired or overwhelmed to even think of things with which they could use assistance.” - Meg Kelleher, clinical therapist
- “You’re strong”.
“It’s not strength, it’s shock. We may look like we’re doing okay, but we’re not.” - Anne-Marie Lockmyer, grief recovery specialist
- Any sentence beginning with “At least”
“When you say ‘at least,’ you’re really telling somebody this is how they should think about it. And you don’t really have the right to do that, because grief is so private and personal.” - Peter A. Lichtenberg, clinical psychologist
- Silver linings
“This is where people really get stuck sometimes, [they] think that their job is to fix it. I like to remind people that, as a supporter, your job is not to fix it. Your job is to be with them through it.” - Andrea Warnick, psychotherapist
- "Maybe it was for the best"
“It is not helpful for a grieving person to hear that losing a loved one is best for them. Even if you have experienced a loss in the past, you don't know someone else's experience. This statement may even complicate their healing process. Instead, try asking, ‘How can I help?’ This communicates that you care, but you are not assuming you know what's best for their situation.” - Sophia Franklin, clinical therapist
- “I understand”
“Unless you have gone through this yourself, never presume to understand. Even the death of a pet can be as deep as any other loss.” - Robert Zucker, grief counselor
- “I mean, I get that it’s sad, but I also don’t see why you’re so upset.”
“It’s a crazy time and we may feel incredibly sad about someone’s death—even if we weren’t all that close with them or they weren’t a part of our everyday lives. Everyone is entitled to their feelings. Don’t make them feel like they aren’t just because you don’t understand.” - Colleen Cira, clinical psychologist
- “It will get easier with time” or “[They] wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
“These are all very commonplace phrases and yet they can come across as invalidating, infantilizing, insensitive, and oftentimes downright untrue. When someone has experienced a particularly painful loss, he or she is left with a big gaping hole in their life that no one and nothing can fill. The reality of this loss, and the pain that comes with it, is so immense that it makes others uncomfortable.” - Kelsi Clayson, psychologist
- Negatives
“This is not a time to remind a woman that her husband had cheated on her years back. Or that his kidneys failed because he did not take his blood pressure medications. There is no need to bring up the past at this time.” - Christopher Drumm, family physician
- “You have an angel in heaven now,” or “You need to move on. Try and stay busy.”
“Look at this avoidance and these statements carefully and you can see the real message behind them; a well-intentioned response can say to a grieving person, ‘You shouldn’t be feeling this way.’” - Tasha Seiter, marriage and family therapist
- Things related to religion
“In terms of spirituality, you may need to tread lightly. Although someone can be very spiritual or believe in God, after a loss they may be angry with God or their faith may be tested at that moment.” - Diann Binns, therapist
What to say instead
Although you know what not to say, you might still be stuck for comforting things you can say that will help the person grieving understand you’re there for them and are thinking about them. Here are some ideas of loving, supportive things to say:
- I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now
- She was one of my best friends. I remember the time we...
- He was such a great person. So many people are going to miss him
- I’m free most evenings, how can I help you this week?
- I’m so sorry for your loss
- Would you like to talk about them?
Many people feel nervous the first time they talk to a friend or family member who has lost someone close to them. While words can have a comforting effect, taking action and doing something helpful for the person grieving can be even better.
The death of a loved one is one of the most painful things there is. Even if the person grieving acts like they’re fine, there’s probably a huge amount of suffering they’re hiding away inside. By helping them out during one of the most challenging times of their life, you can show them how much you really care.
Make them a casserole and take it over to their home so they can warm it up in the oven for a simple, wholesome meal. Offer to do their grocery shopping or other chores around the house they may not have the energy for. Suggest you take care of their children for a few hours after school.
Everyday tasks that were once easy to accomplish can become too much to handle while grieving. Helping out in simple ways like these can make a world of difference.
Keep it simple
Your heart might be full of emotion and your head full of healing words, but no one is expecting you to be a poet. Let the person know you’re sorry for their loss and you’re there for them if they need anything — however small it may be.
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you do or don’t say. Comfort doesn’t always have to take the form of words. An honest hug shared between friends, a consoling look of understanding, or simply the act of being present with the person who’s grieving can be more meaningful and helpful than words ever could.