Anger and Grief - Why do we Feel This Way?

I understand anger and grief. When I was about ten years old, my mother told me that my best friend Tim had just died after contracting an extremely rare bone disease.

I remember rushing past her, avoiding her attempt to hug me. Instead, I ran blindly, tears stinging my eyes. Eventually, I found myself sitting atop a tall tree, sobbing and screaming at God and demanding why he saw it fit to take away my best friend.

I remember feeling somewhat taken aback at how aggressive and spontaneous these emotions were. I seemed to be out of control and unable to reign in anger, which completely overwhelmed me.

Yes, the feeling of anger is powerful. But unfortunately, it is one of the possible phases of grief after losing a loved one. If you do, you may feel helpless and guilty for feeling angry.

Let’s look at anger and try to contextualize it in a loss scenario.

What is Anger?

The American Psychological Association defines anger as an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone, or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.

In the context of loss, you feel antagonistic toward the person who has passed.

Anger is one of the seven stages of grief that you are likely to encounter during the grieving process.

Usually, the passing is not due to deliberate action on the part of the deceased, so it may seem illogical for you to feel this way. You may even feel guilty about what seems to you to be misplaced emotions.

The worst thing you can do is try to deny the feelings of anger, bottling up feelings and emotions that require release to move on.

Everyone feels angry now and again. It is a perfectly natural emotion to experience. Although our culture does not always understand and accept anger, it is a natural response to losing a loved one.

Anger is a double-edged sword - it has a positive side, too, in that you can use it to express negative feelings, enabling you to deal with issues and move on.

Harnessing Anger to Help You Move On

As with most stages of grief, it is crucial to embrace the emotions you are feeling, whether you feel you can control them or not.

Trust that you are moving through a process, an unpredictable and potentially repetitive process that can be highly confusing, perplexing, and even totally illogical.

When you are experiencing anger after a loss, you could consider getting a beautiful memorial diamond made from your loved one’s ashes, hair, or nails. Then, you could put it to one side until the anger phase has passed and you become set on a path to healing and recovery.

Your anger will be temporary. However, the presence of a stunning art piece will constantly remind you of the positives of the relationship you had, the love you shared, and the times you spent together.

What Are the Reasons for Anger After Losing Someone You Love?

The range of underlying reasons is quite broad.

You might feel that anger gives you back a feeling of power when you feel powerless.

Or you may feel angry at the feeling of sudden abandonment, the deep-seated pain you are going through. You could feel angry that the world has changed irrevocably and that nothing you do can change that fact.

Still, you may have feelings of anger due to the fear you are facing of the unknown and living without your loved one.

It is essential to try and ascertain the root cause of your anger so you can better understand what is going on. It is often beneficial to see a grief counselor doing this phase.

There are no doubt many more underlying triggers for the feeling of anger. Whatever triggers your anger, it is essential to deal with it. Allow yourself to express it – even if this means screaming into a pillow or taking 15 minutes out on your favorite punchbag!

Do not bottle up any pent feelings of frustration and anger. Loss is life-changing. Be patient with yourself and your reactions to the loss. You will recover. The circle of life turns, and you will come to terms with the loss in your own time.

Epitaph

As a boy, losing my best friend to a rare bone disease took me a few years to lose the anger.

The question “Why?” echoed in my conscious and unconscious for many months, and I remember feeling angry and depressed for a long time.

The good news is that the anger eventually subsided. I made peace that Tim is in a better place and that much suffering was avoided through his untimely passing. This justification sits well with me now that I am older and understand suffering and the circle of life.

It often seems like the process will never end if you are grieving. It will.

Once it happens, you will be in a better place. You can fill the void of emotions with positive memories of the good times you shared. All of this memorialized eternally in a diamond.

I wish I had a diamond to remind me of Tim.